2015 Ending post

Hi Dear Future Self,

I know you will be rereading whatever that will be written there today so while I am going to try to describe all the sight, sound, thoughts that I am having right now because I know you would have forgotten what it would be like to be twenty four in due time.

I am listening to Sam Smith's songs while I am typing away with a nary care of the world. Time to look back at the past year considering that was my intention all along. So let's see, 2015, what a year it has been. Let's do this chronologically. It all started with the exam of the first semester of my final year. Did pretty badly in that, but didn't really affected me as I kind of secured results last year. Right after that, the final semester happened to put it that way. Haha. For some reason I was devoid of any emotions this time around, perhaps I have spent all of it up last year.

Almost fell in love again only to be woken up by a reality check and survived past that. I guess the term love sick comes from the literal meaning of it whereby love really can make you sick. Lying on the couch infatuated with the thought of love and what ifs, knowing that you will fall sick if that continued.

Past that, organised a big competition. Learnt a lot about people management there. Final exams came by, didn't have much to do. Instead I was hunting for jobs and going for interviews. Enjoyed every moment of it. When the actual exam did come and go, it really didn't matter much to me anymore and I just didn't care. It was already in the bag looong time ago.

Went for a graduation trip right after that, going down south from Malacca to JB back to Ipoh and Penang. What a trip it was, something that just involved us moving around without too much of a plan or hassle. Met the person that broke my heart again, but I was way past him this time.

Graduation!!! Didn't feel as great as imagined. But well, it's the rites of passage of this modern age and I am through! Ah well, no big deal, just a First Class. It's just a piece of paper, Finally understood what the IQ meant, Kind of in the few percent of humans, no wonder people don't understand most of the stuff that I want to discuss about. As petty as ever. Kind of hard to find people that can relate and will want to date me haha. Too deep.

After much contemplation, decided on a job that had the opportunity to travel around the world. Looking back, this year has kind of been great for me with plenty of new experiences. Come early November, finally went to America. The flight was exhausting, but at the end of the day the trip was worth it I guess. Experienced the american culture and stayed in a pretty posh hotel got to know a couple of awesome people.

September, the month where my denial ended. Had a couple of dates and chats and started to understand this world better. My categorising skills start to come in handy. No doubt, I still have plenty to learn, but it's a start.

December, the end of the year. Went to stay in the five star hotel that I was standing in front of wondering when I will ever be able stay in that in July. I guess life really has a knack of giving you what you wish for haha. That's why people always say becareful of what you wish for.

Came to the realisation that there is no such thing as a perfect job. Everyone of us has a couple of things we prioritise in life as long as the job that you are holding on to allows you to accomplish that, it is worth doing for the time being.

It's a pretty brief summary of whatever that has happened over the past year. Truth be told, I have learnt so so so much over the past year. I have learnt to read people better, learnt to utilise my senses better, learnt to love myself even more.

The ending questions to my future self, who will I fall in love with next? Where will I end up working and staying? Will I ever marry? Will I have kids? Will I be here?

Whatever it is, I hope you are living a great life as you are reading this. Even if you are not, remember to appreciate the little things around you because those are the packets of joy that will carry you through. I love you and Happy New Year!

The start of a new bold chapter

Well, well, well. A year has gone by without the voice of me being projected out to the world it seems. How quiet have I become of late. A couple of things prevented me from writing freely and I guess being afraid was one of them. But enough is enough, the denial has to stop and so here I am again, finally accepting my identity my true self. I have come to the realisation that everyone has all but one life and living in a lie is just not going to cut it anymore. The misery of hiding will slowly overwhelm me, that is something I know for certain. Therefore, I have given myself the liberation to love and to care for whoever I want even though it may upset the people closest to me, so be it.

I realised that I have to live my own life and not the life that is expected of me. Thus far I have been living the life of the expected guy, the guy who excels in studies, the guy who secures a good job, the guy who helps people in need, the guy that everyone goes to when in trouble and yet despite all that people still always demand something more from me, they still always take me for granted. I guess the notion of having your heart broken so many times up to the point where you no longer cares holds true here. The pain that I experienced a year ago thought me much about life. Never in my life I have loved someone so deeply and never in my life I have been hurt so badly. Through that, I experienced the emotions that I had never felt before and let me tell you it was worth it until today. I know for a fact that if I can find someone to love again, I'll be able to uncover and feel new emotions that will enhance and colour my life even more and so I am hopeful once again in discovering love even with the threat of disaster in the name of rebellion. I announce here that I AM A REBEL.

Acknowledging that I will no longer conform to the norms of the society is truly liberating. I know that in a couple of year's time, I just have to leave this place for good. Staying with my parents has its perks but at the end of the day the shackles that bind me is just too much to bear. Moving out by the next will certainly force me into independence and by the 3rd I hope I would have summoned enough courage to drive myself out.

I was taught by this tv show that at the end of the day, everyone will be judged by the courage of their heart. I will not be a coward anymore and I shall stand for what I believe is right. Learnt a great deal over the past year. I can say that I have grown up quite a lot. My ability to pick up scents is still going great and as usual I learn to classify them into a girly or a manly one.

Treating myself to an upcoming comedy show and well I hope it will be a great one. I will probably be trying to talk to everyone as I am going on my own this time. A lot of times, the attachment with the people you know prevents you from breaking out of your comfort zone to build a new relationship with people out there. So, by doing this I hope I will have more strength and courage to do what I always imagine myself doing.

Analysing the past has taught me a great deal and I have start to realise the people that matter and the people that will judge me for everything that I do and try to compare me to their achievements. Screw it I say, I simply could not care less about them anymore. People who put on a fake smile just hoping that I will be of use to them screw them all. I am doing just fine with everything that I have right now and I am so incredibly grateful for my life every single day.

Over the course of the year I have developed compassion and kindness and have learnt to deal with jealousy and ungratefulness. The positive mindset that I practice right now is truly enlightening and liberating. I no longer stress myself over petty little things and I am living each day to the fullest. That is the greatest feeling ever that I have.

Life is great my friend,
why ruin it with pettiness,
when you can celebrate it,
with kindness and compassion?
Love like there is no tomorrow,
and continue living with the abundance of love!