2015 Ending post

Hi Dear Future Self,

I know you will be rereading whatever that will be written there today so while I am going to try to describe all the sight, sound, thoughts that I am having right now because I know you would have forgotten what it would be like to be twenty four in due time.

I am listening to Sam Smith's songs while I am typing away with a nary care of the world. Time to look back at the past year considering that was my intention all along. So let's see, 2015, what a year it has been. Let's do this chronologically. It all started with the exam of the first semester of my final year. Did pretty badly in that, but didn't really affected me as I kind of secured results last year. Right after that, the final semester happened to put it that way. Haha. For some reason I was devoid of any emotions this time around, perhaps I have spent all of it up last year.

Almost fell in love again only to be woken up by a reality check and survived past that. I guess the term love sick comes from the literal meaning of it whereby love really can make you sick. Lying on the couch infatuated with the thought of love and what ifs, knowing that you will fall sick if that continued.

Past that, organised a big competition. Learnt a lot about people management there. Final exams came by, didn't have much to do. Instead I was hunting for jobs and going for interviews. Enjoyed every moment of it. When the actual exam did come and go, it really didn't matter much to me anymore and I just didn't care. It was already in the bag looong time ago.

Went for a graduation trip right after that, going down south from Malacca to JB back to Ipoh and Penang. What a trip it was, something that just involved us moving around without too much of a plan or hassle. Met the person that broke my heart again, but I was way past him this time.

Graduation!!! Didn't feel as great as imagined. But well, it's the rites of passage of this modern age and I am through! Ah well, no big deal, just a First Class. It's just a piece of paper, Finally understood what the IQ meant, Kind of in the few percent of humans, no wonder people don't understand most of the stuff that I want to discuss about. As petty as ever. Kind of hard to find people that can relate and will want to date me haha. Too deep.

After much contemplation, decided on a job that had the opportunity to travel around the world. Looking back, this year has kind of been great for me with plenty of new experiences. Come early November, finally went to America. The flight was exhausting, but at the end of the day the trip was worth it I guess. Experienced the american culture and stayed in a pretty posh hotel got to know a couple of awesome people.

September, the month where my denial ended. Had a couple of dates and chats and started to understand this world better. My categorising skills start to come in handy. No doubt, I still have plenty to learn, but it's a start.

December, the end of the year. Went to stay in the five star hotel that I was standing in front of wondering when I will ever be able stay in that in July. I guess life really has a knack of giving you what you wish for haha. That's why people always say becareful of what you wish for.

Came to the realisation that there is no such thing as a perfect job. Everyone of us has a couple of things we prioritise in life as long as the job that you are holding on to allows you to accomplish that, it is worth doing for the time being.

It's a pretty brief summary of whatever that has happened over the past year. Truth be told, I have learnt so so so much over the past year. I have learnt to read people better, learnt to utilise my senses better, learnt to love myself even more.

The ending questions to my future self, who will I fall in love with next? Where will I end up working and staying? Will I ever marry? Will I have kids? Will I be here?

Whatever it is, I hope you are living a great life as you are reading this. Even if you are not, remember to appreciate the little things around you because those are the packets of joy that will carry you through. I love you and Happy New Year!

The start of a new bold chapter

Well, well, well. A year has gone by without the voice of me being projected out to the world it seems. How quiet have I become of late. A couple of things prevented me from writing freely and I guess being afraid was one of them. But enough is enough, the denial has to stop and so here I am again, finally accepting my identity my true self. I have come to the realisation that everyone has all but one life and living in a lie is just not going to cut it anymore. The misery of hiding will slowly overwhelm me, that is something I know for certain. Therefore, I have given myself the liberation to love and to care for whoever I want even though it may upset the people closest to me, so be it.

I realised that I have to live my own life and not the life that is expected of me. Thus far I have been living the life of the expected guy, the guy who excels in studies, the guy who secures a good job, the guy who helps people in need, the guy that everyone goes to when in trouble and yet despite all that people still always demand something more from me, they still always take me for granted. I guess the notion of having your heart broken so many times up to the point where you no longer cares holds true here. The pain that I experienced a year ago thought me much about life. Never in my life I have loved someone so deeply and never in my life I have been hurt so badly. Through that, I experienced the emotions that I had never felt before and let me tell you it was worth it until today. I know for a fact that if I can find someone to love again, I'll be able to uncover and feel new emotions that will enhance and colour my life even more and so I am hopeful once again in discovering love even with the threat of disaster in the name of rebellion. I announce here that I AM A REBEL.

Acknowledging that I will no longer conform to the norms of the society is truly liberating. I know that in a couple of year's time, I just have to leave this place for good. Staying with my parents has its perks but at the end of the day the shackles that bind me is just too much to bear. Moving out by the next will certainly force me into independence and by the 3rd I hope I would have summoned enough courage to drive myself out.

I was taught by this tv show that at the end of the day, everyone will be judged by the courage of their heart. I will not be a coward anymore and I shall stand for what I believe is right. Learnt a great deal over the past year. I can say that I have grown up quite a lot. My ability to pick up scents is still going great and as usual I learn to classify them into a girly or a manly one.

Treating myself to an upcoming comedy show and well I hope it will be a great one. I will probably be trying to talk to everyone as I am going on my own this time. A lot of times, the attachment with the people you know prevents you from breaking out of your comfort zone to build a new relationship with people out there. So, by doing this I hope I will have more strength and courage to do what I always imagine myself doing.

Analysing the past has taught me a great deal and I have start to realise the people that matter and the people that will judge me for everything that I do and try to compare me to their achievements. Screw it I say, I simply could not care less about them anymore. People who put on a fake smile just hoping that I will be of use to them screw them all. I am doing just fine with everything that I have right now and I am so incredibly grateful for my life every single day.

Over the course of the year I have developed compassion and kindness and have learnt to deal with jealousy and ungratefulness. The positive mindset that I practice right now is truly enlightening and liberating. I no longer stress myself over petty little things and I am living each day to the fullest. That is the greatest feeling ever that I have.

Life is great my friend,
why ruin it with pettiness,
when you can celebrate it,
with kindness and compassion?
Love like there is no tomorrow,
and continue living with the abundance of love!

The end of the 3rd as we know it....

As I am sipping beer while listening to my favourite songs... A sense of calm descends upon me. For the first time in the last couple of days I feel calm not worrying about things nor emoing. The past few days had been tough for me. Losing someone I loved so dearly was really painful for me. But I suppose at the end of it all I just couldn't be selfish. Life is just so isn't it? That's how we learn how we grow up to be a better person. I learnt to love, learnt to express my feelings without fear and I guess that is something different about me since the start of the year. Although I have been relentlessly seeking for company the last 2 days I guess the pain is starting to ebb away. Yeah it still hurts occasionally but well I have so many things to look forward to right?

So what has happened for the last semester? Let me recall... Hmm, at the start of it, I continued sticking to the previous company and becoming increasingly invisible and taken for granted every single day. Slowly, I was fading into invisibility and it wasn't really that much fun. The unhappiness got to me at the end of it as I was feeling more miserable with each passing day and was starting to pick on trivial things. Putting down people way too much and starting to develop hatred towards them. I guess these are all the signs of being unhappy in a group.

Sprained my ankle one day. Hurt so bad cause it swelled so bad, went to the physio cracked some bones. Got back some strength. But above all, they showed some concern but that lasted a brief moment. I can't say I didn't appreciate that but well at the end of it all, it was business as usual. Haha. Falling into invisibility was my specialty I guess. Stress? Perhaps it was I don't know.

Hovercraft came along, I was glad I didn't choose to skip it. Things got very very late, and I spent a night at a friend's place. Turned out that, he was a great guy so great that I fell in love with him. I guess that's why they call it falling in love because you really have no control of your feelings when it does happen. Got into a lot of late night talks with him got to know him so much better and the best thing was that he understood me, accepted me and gave me the warmth that I needed in life, well that's just the best thing ever. No idea if he loved me back but well, that's life right?

After knowing him I kind of left my old group. I guess it kind of felt wrong at first but I didn't care. I was too happy being with him that I just didn't want to lose him. Disaster struck, they got kicked out and moved in. Was it a blessing for me? Perhaps it was. Really got to feel the warmth of his body. Perhaps it was a violation of his privacy I just didn't care. I loved him too much.

I have changed so much indeed. If I were 3 years ago, I would have studied at home. The me now, abandoned home for time with friends. A big change indeed. Life is short, time is limited, the books aren't going to be what you remember after you have graduated it's the memories that you created that count, the way people make you feel that will be imbued for life in your mind.

Last few days was tough for me, mustering the strength to give a perfect farewell to him. It wasn't that perfect but well, memories stick eh, I get sentimental each time I go back to that place. It's like something I need to distance myself for a while. Ah well, who knows how long it really takes for me to recover haha. Who knows?

I guess I am starting my internship with Dr. Wong soon... Looking forward to that... Telling myself to work as hard as I possibly can to prove myself. Now that the competition is in front of you. It's really your chance to prove your doubters wrong.

After all that ranting haha I guess mt eyes are closing adi. Oh yeah I went to tioman for my after exams trip was fun as well as the place where I confessed. Hmm, so that's how a confession feels like haha. I guess that's it for now, tiredness is taking over now. Good nightz.

Loving someone feels really great when the both of you enjoy each other's company.
When the time for separation has arrived it hurts so much that words just can't describe it.
You start to forget when the physical presence of the other person is no longer here.
But you still try to hang on to whatever fond memories that you possess.
Love is really something so good to have.

I really hope I can find another person to love this much for. Loveeeee.......

Love Letter to Someone I Truly Care About

Here's my love letter to you.

Before you creep out and tear this apart, please read on...

It is not everyday that I get to love someone this much and to muster the courage to profess it.

The bliss which I got from you throughout these weeks was truly amazing. I look forward to every single day instead of dreading it.

Perhaps it was fate on that day that I was to spend a night at your place after that disastrous competition. I happen to be a guy who believes that everything happens for a reason. Well, getting to know you better that night was truly great. Having fallen into my comfort zone of meeting the same people over and over again, I felt that I was on the verge of disappearing into the cloak of invisibility. Meeting you really changed that. You breathed life back into mine and gave me enthusiasm to face my daily struggles with optimism instead of pessimism.

I like how energetic you get just like a little kid to brighten up my day. I like the optimism that you possess each day to face the daily struggles in life. I like your graciousness and unrelenting kindness that you showered towards others. I certainly like your honesty and your humbleness in your everyday life. I like the stories that you tell of which I can relate to at times. I like how good looking you are every single day and certainly your fondness of A.L in music. I like the way you smile and your seriousness as well as your stubbornness because that's just who you are.

The physical proximity which I got from you really filled out the emptiness that I faced in my heart. Being able to feel your warmth was truly something amazing. I am really sorry if I overstepped my boundaries but I crave for a hug everytime I see you. I just want you to know that I really care and I wish that you do too. You probably noticed the barrage of messages which I have been sending lately. I am sorry to be spamming you but I just can't stop thinking of you. The time waiting for your replies sometimes just kills me on the inside.  I just don't want to lose the bliss which I got from you and I truly hope that you understand.

Please forgive me because I can't stop loving you. Whatever your decision is, I will respect it. Please let me know what you think because I am dying each day trying to figure out what I should really do when I meet you. Regardless of the outcome, I am just so glad to have you as my friend. In my time of need you were there for me and I am just glad to be able to be there for you in your time of need. Reminds me of the song 'Count on Me' by Bruno Mars...

At the end of it all, I just want you to know that I love you for who you are and nothing more.

Update

Hey there,

Just to write another summary of whatever it is at this particularly late hour. Just a brief take of whatever that has transpired. I don't feel amazing at the moment probably because I just betrayed a close friend's trust and i just feel like I have violated every single principle that I stand for. Maybe I am just a hypocrite, but hey everyone makes mistakes right, I am not trying to find an excuse to justify my wrong doing but well what else can I do. As the say trust is like a piece of mirror, once broken it will never be the same again. So all I can do right now is to reflect on the past and just hope to never repeat that again. I am really sorry my friend.

On another matter, I just did pretty well in my exams unexpectedly. My average in my first semester is once again 88. Yeah 'fat fat'. Oh yeah on that note, I did pretty well in gambling this time. As they say people born in the year of the goat will be very lucky this year so I hope that steak continues haha.

Anyways I am bloody tired right now and I am going to sleep adi Nightzzzz.

Hi there again, it's probably been 4 months down the road of my eventful life since my last posting. Somehow, it seems like I tend to get the inspiration to blog a post whenever I start feeling a little lonely. Well well, let's start updating myself on the events that had occurred over the past 4 months.

Let's start where I left off shall we? Well, as mentioned before, right after my great Penang trip, came the most daunting part of all which is the internship. One might wonder why on earth did I use the word daunting right? No, it's not because I was nervous though I got to admit the first day is always filled with butterflies in your stomach. It's because of the most unexpected of bosses that I had met. Being constantly scolded for something that you can't do is really demoralising and at times it makes you feel so helpless. Being bombarded with derogatory remarks after that was confidence sapping and to add the icing on the cake, threats of being harmed physically came soon after. I guess the final straw was when a fellow intern was fired for an equally unreasonable excuse. I knew I had to bolt out regardless of what is going to happen to my industrial training report. Take the damn risk I told myself. Luckily and thankfully a course mate of mine came to my err rescue? haha, I guess being helpful and gracious to people is always a good thing, as they always say what comes around goes around.

Securing my second internship was really a huge sigh of relief for me I would say. Over there, I learnt quite a lot of important stuff even though most of it is just technical skills. But who knows right, in the very distant future or perhaps even not so distant one, those skills that I acquired might be my saving grace. Haha. As they always say, no lesson is a waste. Actually I made that up myself lol. But I truly stand by that.

Sometimes, I really wonder why on earth am I keeping a blog when my memory is so damn good, haha, believe it or not I can still remember the textbooks contents and my examination marks from my secondary days. But I guess, sometimes, we are all just equally afraid of age that catches up with us no matter how hard we try to distance ourselves from it. Lately I realised that I am having a little trouble remembering names. For some reason I am forgetting people's name even some of my cousin's name. Pretty weird huh? Maybe my bran is just slowing down due to the lack of usage of it? Haha, getting dumber by the day eh?

Oh yeah before I forget, there was that equally amazing and wonderful trip that I went to in the east part of my country to be specific Miri. Thanks to my friend P, we went to so many places and even another country (my 2nd overseas country) Brunei. Went to caves, waterfall, trekking jungles, singing karaoke, visiting another university and not to mention the super tasty food I guess the great part is that I learnt a great deal as well while I was there. Building a great rapport with my friends was the greatest thing I guess, even though I am totally annoyed with the bloody emo king, but well, who cares right when we all had so much fun and food. Hehe.

The third year of my semester has started, and well this time around I need to complete my third year project with a completely new lecturer who is a nightmare to everyone when he claims that he doesn't know anything. But I guess life can't ever be dull, not even for a second because that is the only thing that confirms that we are alive and kicking. Or maybe it's just me? Haha, who cares right? No one does, selfish is the word that my friends preach and well I am asked to practice it. But I don't have the conscience to do that. Perhaps people will brand me as a weakling but to hell with what people think. I have a dream, a vision where one day all mankind will help one another without pondering on the reward or gain that they will get in return of their deed. I'll just have to prove to everyone that you can be successful even though you are gracious and helpful to everyone.

I just care too much for ZH to leave him aside and watch him sink. I really can't explain why I am so attached to him, for god's sake he has a companion already so what am I hoping for? I really don't know, I can't suppress my feelings even though I know it's a gooner. So why? Haha, another puzzle to figure out.

Oh yeah, I need to figure out the mobile robot that I am going to build this semester. Most likely it's going to be a stair climber. I really do wonder if I'll ever going to complete this. Well, I guess I'll allow future me to answer this. Hehe. The game that I love to play. And of course by then, I hope that I have solved the puzzle to loneliness. Ah well, life is full of twists and turns and we learn the way to make them straight every time we crossed one of the twist or even turn.

Hate a little less, love a little more,
frown a little less, smile a little more,
even though it's filled with insincerity,
no one will ever see through the pain in your eyes,
or even feel the loneliness in you heart,
because life is such a puzzle,
that only you and you alone can solve.

Till next time then I guess, stay strong and smart and be nice to everyone, don't make enemies, make allies, sometimes, feelings are to be ignored to be effective. Remember that, my self....

Post Penang Trip

Yehhh, yet another posting after a meaningful trip. Well, after going for another 3 days 2 nights trip at the northern part of my beloved country, I am super duper tired right now. Never thought writing a blog would be so incredibly tiring. I have so much to blog about yet so little energy... Arghhh...

I'll cut it short then, so let's start with the first day. As usual, me, SY and YS took the midnight bus to the north and well, this time around the bus turned up pretty late and well, I broke a little sweat while waiting for it. And without any doubt the 2 of them were bickering all day long.... Children...

The notable difference was probably YS had a love interest even though I suspect that this is just a cover up. I usually am good at predicting people's intention and stuff haha, so maybe this is right after all.

So, when we arrived, ZH picked us up from the bus station and the moment we arrived at his house we went straight to sleep. You know, we were just tired...

I think it was about 9am, YS started waking us up, but the silly thing was that, he tried waking us up with the lights off, and well unsurprisingly we find him pretty annoying because that's just what happens to people who wake others up. But to be honest, I am starting to be bothered by his sulking attitude. If there is one thing that I hate the most it would be being taken for granted and right now I have a feeling that he is doing that and obviously I have every right to feel a little annoyed by his childish behaviour. Anyways enough of that.

So, we went to the Escape theme park after that, and boy it was such a challenge. Who would have expected such an exhausting day when we first walked in. Clearly unfit, I huffed and puffed all the way when I was pulling the sliding seat uphill. Next time, do remember to get yourself up to shape before entering any of these theme parks or your money will go to waste. We went for the obstacle course after that, and to supposedly save time, we decided to go straight up to level 2. Challenging was the word to descirbe the obstacle courses that we went through but I am proud to say that all of us completed level 2! It  was funny though to see some people nearly fainting while trying to complete them and one girl totally freaking out by the height of the course. Haha.

The flying fox was quite fun, but the landing part can sometimes to a pain in the well almost everywhere because there is a freakishly high tendency of your back facing the net that you were supposed to grab. All in all I had a couple of scratches and thinned skin probably from all the rope grabbing and tree climbing and also a very painful thigh from the mid-air suspension. Haha. Luckily I didn't have my crotches squeezed up too badly, it happened only once when I didn't tighten the harness properly during the tree-climbing and boy it hurts.

I am going to stop blogging for now but there is more to come another day. I stumbled across a couple of things this time around, although I shouldn't be snooping around other people's stuff but well, I did and I found the outdated blog of his haha. Evil me... Anyways I hate the fact that he is constantly looking for me to help it's like can you not expect me to help you all the time? I hate the feeling of expectations you know and I just hate to be told what to do...